People can be bad at supporting parents before they become one themselves (shocking, I know).
What is surprising is the way we reflect on how we supported others before going through it.
Earlier this month, @LivDoty tweeted this exact sentiment and the many replies show that she’s not alone in feeling embarrassed about old behaviors—me included.
When our friends were having babies before us, did we really think a frou-frou baby tutu was the best baby shower gift? Were those constant check-in texts more annoying than helpful or empathetic? Did we give enough space during the hard moments?
I know for me, the answer is a big “no.”
I was CEO of intrusive questions and bugging people to see the baby. To be fair, I still approach new parents with the same fervor, but with much more respect. And I wait until I’m asked to give advice.
The antidote to naïveté is education.
“I wish someone told me!” Well, I’m telling you now. And we’ve still got a lot of work to do in the overall conversation about supporting expecting and new parents to make it stick.
So, without further ado, here are some tips to support parents without coming off as absolutely atrocious and annoying. If you’re pregnant, forward this to literally everyone.
8 easy ways to support new or expecting parents
1. Food.
Cook a meal. Send a meal delivery gift card. Pick up groceries. Anything food = top-tier love and support.
My neighborhood set up a meal train for us after my second son was born, and it has been such a blessing for our family. Even four months later, I still use gift cards when we’re in a dinner pinch.
2. Listen.
Be available. Don’t chime in with a “haven’t you people ever heard of…” — parents get enough judgment and unsolicited advice.
Pregnancy, birth, and parenting are all difficult and personal. Offering to be a safe space can be lifesaving for a first-time parent.
3. Do something practical.
Help set up the nursery. Pick up a Target order. Organize the onesies into drawers. Even if you hate babies and kids, you can probably follow an IKEA manual for an afternoon.
4. Food.
More food. Keep it coming. Don’t stop.
5. Let the parents lead.
Don’t announce things before the parents get to (like these horror in-law stories). This means even if the baby was born 15 days ago and is named after you, you LEAVE THAT GROUP CHAT ALONE.
6. Don’t post the baby’s info without permission.
Names, photos of the child, or birthdays are all personal information that parents may not be willing to share online or before a certain milestone. Always ask before you post (this rule should apply to sharing photos of any children).
7. Go with the registry every time.
The registry exists for a reason! The parents actually want the stuff on there. If you aren’t able to grab a registry gift or need something in a pinch, opt for something functional (e.g., diapers and wipes).
And I beg you, don’t get any of these:
8. Ask specifically how you can help.
Do you know the sound of music to parents’ ears? It sounds a little something like this: “Hey, I have some free time on Thursday evening and would love to knock out an errand for you. What can I help with?”
Don’t say, “Let me know how I can help!” because the very busy parents certainly will not let you know. Instead, have a specific intention on how you can help while providing flexibility in the execution.
If you’re a parent, how do you like to be supported? If you’re not a parent yet, what’s one way you will commit to helping friends and family?
Let me know!
I really love this post. One thing I did as a new parent was, I made an open Google Doc of my grocery essentials and I sent it to close friends who asked if/how they could help. I definitely wasn't going out of my way to ask for groceries, but it was an easy way to answer the question of, "How can I help?"
Favorite post ever!